co-writers

Today, I made a list of places I REALLY wanna go.. in America. Yes, that is right. Sure, world travel sounds fun but what about all the unexplored territories of my own backyard?
Here is my list (so far):
-Pacific Rainforest (in Washington)
-Seattle
-San Fransisco
-Grand Canyon
-Boston
-Chicago
-New York City
-Mt. Rushmore
-New Orleans
-Grafton, Vermont
-Sedona, Arizona
-Hawaii
-Lake Minnetonka, Minnesota (perhaps this summer.)
-Salt Lake City, Utah
-Cape Cod, Mass.
-Niagara Falls
-D.C. (i know... but i've really never been!!)

oh, and, this isn't in the United States but it IS in north america:
-Vancouver!

I wanna go to Vancouver the most actually. But we'll see. Those canadians are crazys.

So, now I have this list. and all I can think about is how I wanna jump in my car and drive to every single one of them RIGHT NOW. too bad I'm stuck in a suburb of Denver. at least we have a pretty view.

nicole kidman is so pretty.

last night was very rough.  all through the night.  but i guess this is for the best and i should be happy.  today was even harder, but i guess things are all worked out.  i know i will be upset and a little hurt for a while, but everything happens for a reason and this is God's plan for me.  i am going to pray every night for answers.  i don't want to be sad.  i haven't been sad in such a long time.

i cannot wait to be blonder.

i dont understand why it seems impossible for me to let go of you. we are opposites that dont attract, but yet we are the same in ways that clash. but i cant seem to stay away. UGH

miller makes me so happy.  =)

i got my hair cut today.  needless to say, i hate it.  BUT it's just hair and it will grow back. 

we are sitting in the living room right now.  miller is on the floor playing guitar (LOVE) and the dog and cat are sitting with him.  i am sitting in a chair beside them all bundled up in blankets.  the christmas tree is glowing.  this feels perfect.  this is our future together.  i couldn't ask for anything more.  i cannot wait to have our family.

i am craving coffee so badly right now.

too many one-sided friendships in my life.  goodbye to you.

happy. happy. happy.

Sometimes I wish I could take days like today and let others trade places so they can experience what I've experienced. Hell Yes.

i hope you keep changing so much that you come YOU again

Please take a second to sign the online petition for the reauthorization of the Kristen Act-- named after my sister-- to help find missing adults. http://www.change.org/actions/view/silver_alert_kristens_act

My little sister is AMAZING. Seriously. I look at her and I still see the precious, awkward, naive girl that I always knew, but I see that girl through the lens of this beautiful, successful, talented young woman who exists today. When we were in 4th grade, Stephanie Papes wrote a poem for class about how her little sister was her hero, because Lauren looked up to her so much, and that made Stephanie want to be a better person. I guess I have always understood that, but never as much as I do these days. I am so in awe of all that Kelly is, she truly makes me want to be the best person that I can be. It feels sort of like being in love, and wanting to make yourself better so you can feel like you deserve your significant other. Except this is my sister. And I want her to be just as proud of me as I am of her, every single day. And it just sucks that I have to miss her daily living.. we're never going to be together again the way we were when we were growing up. I'm rambling now. The point is that I care about and love Kelly more than I care about myself.

I am also immensely happy with Danny. I love that when I come home we just spend all of our time together. He turned 22 yesterday, and as scared as he was about it, I know that he is ready to grow up and start living his life. He has so much potential it's unreal. Not to mention he just makes me laugh like nobody else in the world. I miss him so much whenever I'm away at school.

Sometimes I feel like a needy boyfriend to both of my siblings, haha. Kelly is me my senior year, busy as hell. And Danny just sucks at texting back. I wrote a few entries ago about how I was always sort of the glue that held the three of us together, and I still feel that way. I guess I just never realized how much I needed to be that glue. How much I worry about them when I'm not here to take care of them. When I can't sit up with Danny watching Lost, drinking, and telling him everything, and when I can't wipe away Kelly's tears and listen to her heart.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I love them both so much. I love my family so much and I just feel so sad for people who don't have this relationship with their families. And I feel so sad for people who have never had the opportunity to experience the depth of a sibling relationship. It truly is the most amazing thing in my life.

Heard your broken voice on the telephone
made my heavy heart sink like a stone
and after all this time, i should have known
you'd let me down
right down to the bone
you know you're right, im incomplete
and i could never write down what i mean
and if you told me that the world, was ending tonight
that's alright by me
hey babe
i feel as though, i failed you
i feel as though, you don't want me
i keep kickin' myself
they say that anything can be replaced
found another girl to pass the days
she is beautiful, she has your face
their is nothing, time will not erase
and hey babe, I feel as though I've lost you
and I feel as though, you dont want me
and I keep kickin' myself
and lately, when i sleep alone
i feel that, i oughta learn
you dont need me
just stop kidding myself

I'm frozen all the time, a deer in headlights
I'll get to the point
you can't depend on love or truth
to get you through

friends help me forget everything. when im with them and i'm laughing i feel almost whole again. I also feel that way spending time with my mom. I painted today, and it was actually pretty damn good. I'm not finished but it was a great start, I'm not going to stop painting ever again. I just need help coming up with ideas of things to paint, but I definitley need something to look at, like a photograph or something. Any ideas? I'm so glad everyones in town, and I have people to keep me busy. I had a great time with Britt last night and it reminds me that even if I cant feel ok by myself, I can still feel ok, and I can still laugh. Its not like I am going emo. I just am so tired of being dissapointed, I'm tired of not being able to let go, and by people ignoring the fact that I AM HUMAN. I am not perfect. I may do things that dont seem right to you at all, but we havent lived the same life, crossed the same paths, and endured the same hardships. I feel like some people expect me to be this person, and when I'm not they talk shit, and they dont even know the real story and feelings behind it all, and everytime I try to explain myself or justify my actions, these people dont understand. Its all stuff from the past of course. But i really want to punch a few select people in the face.
I have had no movtivation the past two weeks. I have just been a ball of blah. I dont want to go to work, I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to walk Sadie. And i feel bad b/c i know it affects those around me, but I cant find it in me to do anything. Maybe I need a vacation. I'm getting on in January. I'm excited. I just need to get away.
I feel like everytime I explain my situation to people I get the same feed back, they dont think I am any different then anyone else who has had to go through this. And i say over and over its just not the same its not the same. I know a lot of people say that. But it really just isnt the same. Nobody really gets that.

I've dealt with you for the past two and a half years of my life. I'm sick and tired of going around the same circle with you in hopes that something will change but nothing ever does. Just when it's good..it starts to rot away. I have my reasons and you have yours. We'll never fully understand each other after what has happened. I know i've made mistakes but as a young woman, I believe it's your part to still respect my feelings. You're in my heart always and a day never goes by without me thinking of you. The past couple of days I just feel like I get blamed for everything. My mind is exhausted and so are my emotions. I want this to work and I've been trying so god damn hard. I ask for the littlest things and you can't even give me that. I hate that I feel for you the way I do. I want to get over it. I've had enough but there's a little bit of me that still wants more. But I can't anymore. It's been way too long. My hope is slowly fading away.

The snow on your eyelids that curtsy with age
Is freezing the stares on tyranny's wings.
The bitter is hard and the warmth of your skin
Is diseased with familiar caresses.

Withdrawing from splendor and royal decay
Among all the triumphs and jaded awards
The angry and blazing circus of sun
Blasphemes as the crown prince arises.

You cannot beget all the sins that you owe
To the people of paradise magic
Pretend to answer passion and form
With foreign rationalizations.

Primroses are the jewels that lurk
Among masks of pleasure that flicker with doubt
Embraces of fame that's simultaneously fear
To advance and demand to be recognized.

The river shall flow through hollow green faces
Of caricature's resentment etched out of the tongues.
Both reluctant princess asleep before birth
The classical sensitive failures.

The worshipping wicked cling to the dark of your heart
Lying there and wait with your angels
Moan and ravish from dawn to dusk
The avaricious young lovers.

Now that it's time
Now that the hour hand has landed at the end
Now that it's real
Now that the dreams have given all they had to lend
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe try another time
And do I really have a hand in my forgetting?

Now that I've tried
Now that I've finally found that this is not the way,
Now that I turn
Now that I feel it's time to spend the night away
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe finally split the rhyme
And do I really understand the under-netting?

Yes and the morning has me
Looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs carefully.

Now that it's light
Now that the candle's falling smaller in my mind
Now that it's here
Now that I'm almost not so very far behind
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe follow another sign
And do I really have a song that I can ride on ?

Now that I can
Now that it's easy, ever easy all around.
Now that I'm here
Now that I'm falling to the sunlight and a song
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And do I have to do just one
And can I choose again if I should lose the reason ?

Yes, and the morning
Has me looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs more carefully.

Now that I smile,
Now that I'm laughing even deeper inside.
Now that I see,
Now that I finally found the one thing I denied
It's now I know do I stay or do I go
And it is finally I decide
That I'll be leaving
In the fairest of the seasons.

baby steps. i think in time i will have my best friend back. today was great. i just wish that other people could be supportive and helpful instead of hope for the worst. what about me? i have wasted away so many precious days of being at home. i need to get a grip on they way i am spending my time. when miller gets here tomorrow i am not going to be at his house every day. i haven't seen him in a week and i am fine. i miss him, but it's not the end of the world, and i guess he needs to learn that too. i'm stressing about old issues for some reason. i keep it to myself, but i am still worried and confused and all that jazz. i need to go to church or something, but the problem is finding someone to go with that will support me. i don't want a million people knowing my problems, but i just want them to be solved. i'm just in a really bad place right now.

I look into your eyes
Diving into the ocean
I look into your eyes
Falling

Like a wall of stars
We are ripe to fall

And if you are a ghost
I'll call your name again
And if you are a ghost
I'll call your name...

You, always.

i hardly know what to do with myself
i never in a million years would have thought this is how it would all end.
i knew from day one he was going to break my heart.
it's been YEARS since I have felt my life in this much disarray and sadness.

i know, the pain doesn't last forever and everything happens for a reason and all the clouds have silver linings and all of that advice everyone keeps telling me
but the truth is none of that is registering right now.
i am not ready to accept those things because i am not ready to accept this
all i can do is try. and wish someone would come snuggle and hold me and tell me everything will be okay and let me cry all night and watch back to the future with me while i am a zombie on the couch.

at least i'm losing some weight i guess that is a plus.

i think i am happier single. no stress, and this time it was because I wanted it. I'm not even upset about what happend. im thankful, thankful that you no longer control my life and eveything in it. i feel free. even though a lot of things are still on my mind, etleast i dont have that added stress. Someone great will come along, but until then i want to have fun.

Someone please tell me why its so hard to find peace of mind. Can no longer find comfort in music. Times like these make me wish i could go back to being a blunt neanderthal.Can't even put my own thoughts into words right now.

Going for a drive to clear my head.